Read before We Write – Listen before We Speak

crop person putting crumpled paper in box on woman

On December 4th, many Americans felt shock and a blend of emotions at the news report of a mysterious hooded man who shot and killed Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHeathcare. (USA Today Timeline found HERE.)

Reports came and went about this assassination-style killing on the open street at 6:30 am, the mysterious figure, the unusual gun, and the effort to avoid revealing his face. People began talking about this for days.

It wasn’t long before influencers began sharing provocative ideas about negatives in the health insurance model that began to sound suspiciously like justifications for murder. They said Insurance companies profit when they deny coverage. Insurance companies seek to squeeze profits out of low income people. They’re not necassarily wrong, but that is not an argument for murder.

Some even recorded conspiracy theory videos about this guy being a patsy or a fake.

Emotion, Especially Fear or Anger, Reduces Thinking

Anger is a subtle emotion that helps everyday people stop thinking and start to shift their morals.

There are plenty of conversations to be had about the flaws in the terrible health insurance business model (thank you ObamaCare for some fixes). There is much that can be said about a capitalistic system that prioritizes profits above all else.

And yet, those arguments do not justify murder or any kind of violence.

Roffino’s Request: Don’t Write Like an Emotional Non-Thinker

As this story, and the information about this kid develop, I have a request of you (I want people to respect what you have to say):

Don’t post/write anything until you’ve read enough and researched this.

In the absence of data, people make assumptions. Those assumptions are often wrong. People do this to the detriment of their own credibility, to the harm of the people they write about, and to the harm of the communities they seek to inform and/or represent. This is why fear appeals about immigrants are (morally) wrong, even though they often work.

Sure, this alleged shooter kid came from wealth. However, that doesn’t make him represent all rich kids.

Sure, this kid may have been denied coverage (most of us don’t know much about his story yet anyways). However, that does not mean he represents a broader group of people who have fought with insurance.

What we DO NOT Need – and What we DO Need (Research First)

So many videos and articles talk about this kid like they know what they’re talking about – and the comments. Wow. Sure, “Denial and Delay” sound like despicable policies, but do not trust comments and “facts” that don’t come from credible sources.

And these people talking about this alleged shooter being cute – I mean, there will always be comedians out there, and the world is better with comedy, but come on. Let’s focus.

Americans need more information before we can really make determining statements about his actions or his causes.

I DO want the world to be different.

I REALLY want more mental health programs, community support initiatives, and communication models that help some of these complicated issues find change.

I honestly want some serious structural changes in the Health Insurance system. Companies should not be structured to make more money when they deny coverage – Health Insurance is a deeply flawed and dangerous model in our current “profit-above-all” American thinking.

But none of this justifies violence.

Hold the Line, Thinkers

College educated people, and/or people connected to college-level critical thinking conversations MUST hold the line with thinking in this country.

We must prevent public conversations from devolving into calls for blood and simplified solutions that are not realistic.  By the way, it is okay to ask, “What’s your source?”

We have to do our research and reading first before we make determinations about these issues.

What do you believe in general about health care and health insurance in first-world countries?

What do you believe in general about strategies for communicating change?

BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT. Use those research skills.

Be sure you know what the heck you’re talking about before you put your hands up and clear your throat. Credibility comes from slowly, steadily showing you can be counted on and trusted.

Curious about the Health Insurance “Industry’s avaricious practices”? Read THIS from VOX to get started.

Want to learn about the History of Health Policy in the US? START HERE.

Want to learn about the History of CEO Salaries in the US? Try THIS.

Don’t know what to trust on your own? Step 1, just be asking the question about whether you can trust a source – it helps a lot. Then maybe try “Media Bias Fact Check” for some bigger sources.

When you’re ready, SPEAK UP. The world needs the guidance of people who know how to sort out the info without lies and bias.

Tell us how to think about this.

Election 2024: Anyone Else Ready for this to be Over?

I care about politics. I do.

But I’m also ready for Christmas Break. Curling up with a book, or VR mini golf, without email nearby, without ads, and WITHOUT ELECTION COVERAGE. I don’t need to know when Donald Trump farts or what Kamala orders on her burger (okay, neither of those is a news story, as far as I know, but so many news stories sound just like that).

Media news coverage of this election is too frenetic and focused on fear. How can news sources have a serious conversation about separating news from sensationalism to get advertising dollars? I know, I know, it’s the world we live in. ABC, CBS, NBC, manipulative FOX and occasionally manipulative MSNBC also are all focused on how many viewers they get, which MAKES them want to say things like “You’ll never believe what THEY are doing now!” It gets people to tune in so they can keep their advertisers. But seriously, can’t we start to change these models?

The PBS News Hour and NPR at least try harder to stay just news. Maybe we should sell our time to THEM to give the rest a message. Stop making me angry or scared sensationalized broadcast news people. Please.

Anyone else ready for the 2024 Presidential Election to be over? 

Barbara Brown Taylor Shares Her Gifts: A Fabulous Writer Can Make You Think

First, read this:

The only clear line I draw these days is this: when my religion tries to come between me and my neighbor, I will choose my neighbor… Jesus never commanded me to love my religion. – Barbara Brown Taylor, from Holy Envy

Okay, I said the J word. Some are religious people, and some are not.

BUT great thinkers can parse an idea from it’s context to see if there is still merit in it. Take a look at that idea and see what you all think. What does it ask of you? What does it tell you to do?

How does it push you to think more critically in each separate situation?

Okay, now I’m going to tell you something here – I LOVE Barbara Brown Taylor’s ideas. She commands a richness and finesse with language that could make even atheists want to be stronger people.

Read some of these powerful and thought provoking quotes and see which ones resonate with you. Why do they? Who are these ideas pushing you to be?

Three more favorites:

“The only real difference between Anxiety and Excitement was my willingness to let go of Fear.” ― Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark: Because Sometimes God Shows Up at Night

“You shall love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” Those most likely to befriend strangers, in other words, are those who have been strangers themselves. The best way to grow empathy for those who are lost is to know what it means to be lost yourself.” ― Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith

“To make bread or love, to dig in the earth, to feed an animal or cook for a stranger—these activities require no extensive commentary, no lucid theology. All they require is someone willing to bend, reach, chop, stir. Most of these tasks are so full of pleasure that there is no need to complicate things by calling them holy. And yet these are the same activities that change lives, sometimes all at once and sometimes more slowly, the way dripping water changes stone. In a world where faith is often construed as a way of thinking, bodily practices remind the willing that faith is a way of life.” ― Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith : This one reminds me that one does not have to be religious or trying to be holy to be a good person. I LOVE that.

GoodReads Barbara Brown Taylor Quotes LINK.

A related Hero who found her way by trying something scary and strange – Nadia Bolz-Weber Story LINK.

Happy Hunting!

John McWhorter: A Credible Writer for Making Sense of a Complex America

One of the first discussions I have about readings with my college composition students is that two common components can get in the way of understanding new readings: 1) Vocabulary, and 2) lack of Background Knowledge. (Vocabulary being helpful explains itself, but Background Knowledge is that info writers just assume you have for their average audience, though many don’t have it. BK references often sound like quick mentions or comparisons, say to Dave Chapelle’s Canceling or pulling a Ralph Nader.)

Another thing we focus on with college-level reading is credibility, bias, and trust.

For white people trying to make sense of what might feel like a changing America, for non-native Americans trying to understand why race is such an issue here, for people trying to make sense of strange politics: One voice I trust is Columbia professor and linguist John McWhorter.

Sign up for his NYTimes newsletter HERE (and see past issues here too). (These show subscriber only, but sometimes you can find these crossposted other places – google it. Or ask me and I can get it for you. OR, subscribe to the NYTimes. OR use your college’s databases to see anything the NYTimes produces.)

John McWhorter first came to my attention when I saw his name listed as a writer for one of the New York Times newsletters. Since I am a white person and I’m on a lifelong journey to learn more about race in the US, I thought I’d try McWhorter’s writing. Since 2021, for years now, he has build credibility with me as a consistently clear, engaging, sensible, and interesting writer. I learn from him regularly. (I particularly LOVED his take on television’s developing portrayals of black people and what works about HBO’s The Gilded Age.)

Those interested in making sense of the world and learning from the perspective of a black man and father should consider John McWhorter. Here’s an NPR article about a book and perspective of his.

Who do you learn from (about any topics)? Reply and tell us who you find credible and why.

POST NOTE: while doing research for this post, I scanned John McWhorter’s twitter posts for the first time. (I don’t tweet or read most tweets – who has time for that?) I was surprised to discover that he seems to have a feud with Robin DiAngelo, author of White Fragility, a book I have read and learned from also. What does this mean exactly? I can say that I enjoy and have learned from what I’ve read of McWhorter’s NYTimes posts, but apparently, even though I think highly of him, I don’t agree with everything he believes. Some of his points I still have to consider. This is far more normal than people may realize.

Pay attention when you read. If your body says “Yes!” or “Wait, what?” that may be you’re brain reminding you to stop and think for yourself.

The Atlantic Scores Again: American Left and Centrists Can Learn from French Progressives and Centrists.

Read this story from the Atlantic’s Thomas Chatterton Williams about what happened this July in France when problems with a growing Far Right movement (think anti-immigrant, pro-business, smaller-government, but much more complex than that) threatened everything.

France, at first, floundered. Then it didn’t. It woke up and worked together. Note: I rarely talk about my own politics because I’m a small-time novelist and English professor, who deeply wants to make my students work for their own thinking, not give them mine.

And yet, here’s something I’ll give everyone for FREE: extremes in a political spectrum, both far left and far right are not helpful/positive to most people. Far right politicians are extreme conservatives, who are often anti-immigrant, suspicious of government, and too friendly with big businesses (they are sometimes so pro-business to the point where they’re generally okay with Henry Fords, Elon Musks, and other unnamed rich white men squeezing the middle class smaller to extract more wealth from them – and sometimes, far-right people are okay with those rich white men controlling more/having more political power).

Far left politicians are often distrustful of businesses and capitalism, sometimes too focused on reducing rights to property, or are hyper-focused on small issues like climate change or cruelty in animal industries, and sometime too dependent on regulation to inhibit businesses, but too focused on individual rights like legalizing all drugs, (and sometimes that hyper-focus on niche rights or issues can put large industries out of business, causing a soft economy, job loss, and broader economic issues).

My first suggestion to people wanting to better understand why extremes aren’t the best choices for politicians is to tell people to listen (to a variety of different voices), to read more (from people who think differently from them), and to try to imagine life from other perspectives. This can develop empathy for “other sides”. For example, people arguing that we must close the border and severely limit immigrants coming into the US are often surprised by immigrant stories (the violence people flee, the taxes they pay, the pure goals of providing for their children they have). It doesn’t change the issues of a more open border but it at least helps stop people from dehumanizing immigrants. There are actually plenty of great ideas and great points on many sides (of plenty issues).

Some of the conversations happening at the extremes can be fascinating… but unrealistic. Switching to only green energy! Yes! But how? Hmmm. Abolishing public schools so I don’t have to pay for other people’s kids! That may sound interesting, but what would the results be? Look closer at who will definitely be able to afford the good schools still and who won’t. Totally unrealistic, and not the America anyone wants. It is cruel, especially to lower income families who would then almost certainly never be able to get out of poverty.

This Atlantic story about France is inspiring – another strong democracy can wake itself up to avoid extremes. Can the United States?

STEP ONE: READ/LISTEN/GROW. Set aside at least 5 minutes per day at least four days per week to answer some questions you have through unbiased sources. Wikipedia is okay. Fox or MSNBC are not exactly. In fact, start looking for news stories that are designed to make you angry or ticked off. THAT IS MANIPULATION. Sometimes there’s also propaganda, misinformation, and disinformation there too.

STEP ONE B: keep finding more sources you can trust, like the Atlantic above, the Washington Post, the New York Times, and plenty of others.

Note: anyone who tells you not to trust any media but them is lying to you. Don’t automatically trust any media at all (including me). Let them build up trust and use Reagan’s often used maxim: “Trust but Verify” to check other sources too.

STEP TWO: identify your VALUES. Not your party, your values. Sometimes a party veers away from their own stated values (and yours).

STEP THREE: VOTE. if you don’t vote, your voice matters less. Use that power or someone else will. Or someone might take that power away.

(STEP FOUR): Take breaks, but don’t ever stop reading and growing. Build up your vocabulary, your ability to express yourself to people of all backgrounds, and build up your resilience/stamina to stick with stories and topics and solutions. We as a country need good ideas.

Step up or other people might put you to sleep and take your place away.

Schools and Mental Health Crisis – Circle Groups Might Help

I didn’t hear it often, but when I did, it broke me a little: this giant of a middle schooler was crying, overcome with rage and worry.

He had been acting out, as usual, earlier that day in a different class period.

Juan, we’ll call him, was a kind, giggly, and often focused kid who, unlike the other 6th graders matched my height at an inch or two shy of six feet. Juan was in a dramatic and somewhat traumatic 6th grade math class (named Renssaler Polytechnic Institute in the tradition of the school after colleges that our students could aspire to), and he’d been unusually quiet before he had heard official news.

I pulled him out of the classroom, and there in the hallway, just the two of us, he finally told me what he’d learned: He was going to be heading to the principal’s office and would likely be expelled.

Juan’s life story was more complex than average, but some of my students who struggled didn’t even have parents; some were homeless, living on a dirt floor in the shed of a relative; some had parents who were so erratic and explosive, that school was where they felt like their lives actually happened while at home they simply tiptoed around and held their breaths until 7am the next schoolday. One had a parent arrested in front of him. Another had a family member die violently. Some were simply one of many siblings in a loving family that didn’t have enough time for everybody.

The strugglers were also often kids that didn’t have the means to get swept up in a capitalistic culture that prioritized the next toy, video game, or shoe. They had family, and school, and the hope for better down the road. They dreamed of college, every day. (Other students, fortunately, had all they needed.)

Juan cried a lot that day in the hallway. For a minute or so. And then he sniffed, nodded his head a few times, and said he was going to be alright. He told me it would be easier to get his RPI class to practice probabilities without him making jokes anyways (always thinking of others, that one). I told him he was right, but that he’d be taking us with him if he went.

I think about that class, that school, and those kids frequently. Wondering, hoping. Even the ones that got away. Hopefully, they still made their way.

Enter the Circle

Watching the news this weekend, I saw an unusual mental health aid from a teacher, and I’ve been thinking about it all week.

She has her students do a sort of CIRCLE GROUP where they can talk about how they are feeling and support each other.

I know, I know, not every teacher or every school would do this right, with kindness, respect, trust, and clear expectations, but what if some COULD? Watch it HERE and see what you think. Then hit REPLY and tell us.

I think about Juan when I see this and wonder how things might have been different if he could talk about his feelings and name them rather than act them.

I hope he’s okay. Actually, no, I hope he’s golden – manager at a Tesla plant, starting his own side-gig, buying mama a mansion in the hills, land tours through the Sahara, helping giants land some cool projects and making reality of people’s dreams. I hope his head is in a place to allow him to achieve it all.

January 6 Committee Continues Today: Americans Need to Watch and Listen to Each Other

Many normal and apolitical people (people like me) don’t want to weigh into this political stuff like with Former President Donald Trump and the January 6th Committee. I personally don’t want to isolate sensible people who are conservative or sensible people who are more liberal or progressive.

But at a certain point, everyday people do need to weigh in and help others get a sense of how to think, what to think, or what to listen to versus what to ignore.

Today’s news is a complicated blend of biased facts, unbiased facts, misinformation, and flat out lies, so it is important to be skeptical of EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE (including me).

Here’s what I think about the January 6th hearings: There is verifiable evidence here and Americans as a whole must be able to come back to some facts we can all agree on. What we believe about some of these facts can be divergent, and that is normal in America, but we cannot pretend that facts do not exist.

There are reasons to still like President Trump or support his legacy, or like President Biden or support his legacy, but we cannot

You cannot trust just what one side says or just what any one news source reports, and I have seen enough to believe that some people are trying to manipulate you.

CLICK HERE or Google “January 6th Committee Hearing Livestream” and/or “October 13” to see what is happening today in Congress. President Trump was just issued a subpoena.

Cycles of Change and Stability – Finding Purpose in the Normal – Great Song

Oliver Anthony Singing

One thing I love about a new semester is that a predictable cycle starts again.

One thing I DON’T love about a new semester is that a predictable cycle starts again.

There is comfort in the sameness and there can be stagnation in it as well.

I’m reminded of the Catholic prayers I recited over and over and over growing up in stogy churches and slow droning ways and how I searched for freshness in the words every time. I often found nuance. I did not always. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

I guess it’s about MINDSET too, and so many things are. I just need to remember to see the positive and move towards the finish lines I want.

This Cycle, Clouds on the Horizon

I begin a cycle again in a strange time, a time of darkness and apathy, of fear and racism and the hints of danger past the ramparts, pennants through trees past the fields. Some seek blood to shape our world into one without the others.

And amidst this, most of us have to drive, cut grass, sauté vegetables, feed the dog, pay the phone bill, and wake up too early for work.

How are we to find meaning and purpose in a world shouting at us, shouting through us, a world so full of distractification devices that people have left the ramparts?

Being intentional matters – setting plans that will either show us meaning or show us the way closer to it. And also not falling prey to the siren call of that which lulls us into our slumbers and atrophy.

I’ve got a few goals for the year myself. Do you?

One Man with a Purpose

In this time of heat before the fall, of the bustle before the semester begins, I found a surprise in the chaos.

Enter Oliver Anthony’s song, “Rich Men North of Richmond,” rich guitar folk twangs and an angry, despondent voice, at the launch of a clown show of a political debate. It was at least a hint of pure life and real human worry at the head of a river of posturing and misrepresentations.

His song may not be for everyone and some are reading their lenses into the words. One thing that many can agree on is that this is a person who sees struggle and wants it to be different. He’s using his song to point to some hardship that many face.

Anthony’s message is worth discussing. It must resonate with people: at the time of this writing, it has garnered 41 million views in two weeks.

Here is an artful song with a shade of a dream that has been shared before and needs to be shared again.

I enjoy that Oliver Anthony responded in a video after the debate and said he wrote the song about those leaders. I can understand that. So many leaders today sound the same: ivy-colored, full of meaningless phrases, and lack of detail about clear action on the hard choices we need to be making. We need humans who listen, who know the feeling of having double digits in the bank account, who remember what it was to say no to something important like food or medicine because those were the only choices.

Let’s let servants and listeners into the white rooms. Let’s ask those who will serve others balance some budgets and make some hard choices.

Join this conversation. Go watch some of the Response Videos (which is apparently a thing? Can you tell I neither Tik nor Tok?). See what others say. What do you think?

We can all do so much better, and we WILL. Let’s do it together.

Read. Think. Come up with simple ideas. And VOTE.

Great Reads: The Urge

The Urge Cover

In my Comp 2 classes, I have started letting my students select a reader and one of my classes picked a great one. (This originally evolved from an issue/worry with Florida’s Governor Ron Desantis’s new restrictions on classroom topics, but in the end, it ended up being great allowing students to have choices.)

The Urge: Our History of Addiction, by Carl Erik Fisher is a worthy read.

Here are a few perks that make this book worth your time (especially for anyone interested in Psychology, CBT and therapeutic fields, and/or medicine):

Great organization and broad overview

The 11 chapters each take a look at one piece of the puzzle as humanity has tried to make sense of the complexities of our urges, from antiquity on through the therapists and treatment centers of today.

This book also moves back and forth between historical stories and Fisher’s own story of struggle.

Fisher is honest and shares his OWN credible tale

I am not always a fan of a memoir story – there are just so many, but Fisher takes the concept of a memoir/addiction story and marries it with a historical focus. It is not too much of either and both parts, the historical and the personal, are stronger for the inclusion of the other.

To explain, each chapter often starts with history, or a historical situation, usually focusing on one historical figure’s story, and then after a few pages, it switches gears to Fisher’s tale. Since high school, he’d been a drinker, and that seemed to accelerate as he got further into college and then into his medical residency. He doesn’t soften his story but instead includes what some would consider to be highly embarrassing moments. He does this to earn credibility – he’s been through his own experience of addiction, denial, failure, acceptance, and recovery.

I do wonder a bit at what choices were made about how to intersperse his story with historical accounts. At least once or twice, shifting gears from the terrors of 18th-century medicine to a Fisher moment and then back seemed a bit abrupt. Then again, I listened to most of this via audiobook, so it might have been more clear in print. Still, perhaps clearer subheadings would have helped with the transitions and with later reference. (At least once, when trying to find a section of his story, or the section about the woman who helped champion Alcoholics Anonymous, I simply could not remember and could not quickly find what I was seeking).

A Global Lens with which to View Addiction and Urges

One of my favorite takeaways from this book arrives in the increased awareness I have at the complexity of addiction and the variety of addiction stories. Chapters 10, 11, and the Conclusion were profound and helped me shift some of my own shame thinking to a place that is more compassionate and nuanced (toward myself and others).

Addiction is biological, and mental, and social. It is a kind of illness and it is a kind of coping strategy. It is far more than just Aunt Rhonda’s continual request for one more glass of wine or a gamer’s just a few more minutes of playing.

In fact, most interestingly, I loved the data that revealed most people can get out of addictive states without any sort of help at all (70% I think?). All readers should pay attention to the Chapter 10 or 11 data on the heroin-addicted veterans retuning from Vietnam in the 1970s. Most stopped heroin use cold-turkey and without help. With help, either social, therapeutic, or through medicines and addiction-suppressing drugs (yes, that’s real – Methadone is one), many people can find more control in their lives.

I’ll read this book again sometime, especially the last few chapters that discussed the varieties of AA programs and the new paradigm with which to view addiction. Some of the earlier chapters, did get a bit into the weeds, though they offered so much perspective on how the Temperance movement led to Prohibition (and why that failed), or how the “War on Drugs” evolved in the late 70s and 80s (and why THAT failed too).

This is just an interesting book (and enjoyable to listen via audiobook) with a highly compassionate, honest, and effective writer. Highly recommended (8.5-9/10).

Departures and Leaps

After teaching writing classes for more than 11 years with Dallas College, I have resigned from my full-time position to light out for other endeavors.

It’s a family move, but I also love adventure and growing.

At first, I wasn’t sure about Florida – I’m more for mountains, hikes, and igloos than beaches, theme parks, and sweating. But I also love adventure, and exploring, and I’m ready for a new chapter. Florida has been, well, adventurous so far.

What is the right math to calculate change? Every family is different, but time, openness, honesty, and communication matter a great deal. And in my math, I’m ready for change.

Dallas College – Closing an Excellent Chapter

Dallas College is still a great place to learn and grow in the right circles. I will always love the writing classroom, and I’ll plan to stay teaching even part-time as long as they’ll have me. I’ve learned so much from excellent mentors (some who still say, “Oh Brian” when I, well, reveal my idiosyncrasies), colleagues, and incredible students.

I’ve been sitting with Maya Angelou’s words lately (she is a huge hero of mine), especially these: “People will forget what you say and do, but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

From my colleagues, I felt respected and welcomed, a part of a team. From my students, I have felt (and continue to feel) encouraged, humbled, enlightened. I learned so much from so many, like students who finally took risks and started seriously trying, students who felt bored or confused and told me, students who felt scared and gave up, and especially students who trusted me with the gifts of their stories.

Toward the Anxiety Storm of Change

I’m calling this a move toward something not a move away from something. Logistically and mentally, that’s right. Emotionally I’m there most days, until I feel overwhelmed or the loss, and those are valid, as well. I’ve learned so much from stories and books, and one thing I’ve seen time and time again is that Big Feelings are indicators and all Big Feelings always pass. Someone like Yoda (or Buddha, or Willie Nelson, or Lady Gaga) said that the only constant in the universe is change. To them I say, “Uh, Avogadro’s Number??” Mostly kidding. But change (and Avogadro, and the Golden Ratio) are constants. Someone else wise once said something along the lines of this: “If you’re having a bad day, sit with it because it will pass. If you’re having a good day, sit with it because it will pass.”

Job security is very nice. But sometimes the warmth of being blanket-wrapped on the couch prevents one from getting up and acting on opportunities.

Where will life take me?

Who knows. And isn’t that exciting? (And terrifying?) And a blessing? (And a risk?)

It’s definitely an opportunity to ask myself some universe rattling questions:

  • Who do I really want to be?
  • What do I really want to do with my time?
  • What do I want to be when I grow up? (I personally keep asking this and think others should too.)
  • Should I continue to pursue teaching writing or shall I finally look for careers in miming, circus acrobatics, or snail husbandry?

I’ve got a few ideas and some promising leads (though not with snails). I just hope I have the courage to try for the biggest leaps.

Leaps and Jumping

Here’s an image for you:

I’m standing in a forest on top of basically a tree with the top cut off and no handholds. It’s actually a telephone-style pole maybe 30 to 40 feet in the air with no handholds and a trapeze bar 6 feet away. (the trapeze bar might have actually been 20 feet away.) Oh, and I’m terrified.

A few weeks before my high school graduation, I had gone on a leadership retreat camping weekend with fellow students to explore character or something similarly torturous. I actually don’t remember any of the camp and togetherness crap except for this one moment atop the pole.

Everyone in our group had the opportunity to try to climb this pole (thick nails jutted out on either side for handholds), into the clouds (the pole might have actually been 100 feet tall), attempt to stand on top, feel the swaying in the wind, and then leap off the tentpole to a trapeze bar a foot or two above head-height and probably six feet away.

About a third chose not to try at all.

About another third started to ascend the pole and either got to the top and turned back or didn’t make it that far.

Maybe a quarter of those who ascended (don’t check my fractions) made it to the standing position on the log, but only about half of those actually took the leap (and only a smaller fraction actually reached the bar and fewer held on).

So picture a scrawny 18 year old boy secretly afraid of everything, who never felt like he belonged anywhere, even his own family, staring up at the top of a pole, and sharp enough to already see this as an analogy for life.

To this day, I remember this slightly silly artificial challenge as one of the emotional highs of my life. (I’m afraid of heights but just enough of a daredevil to try high stuff anyways.)

So many of life’s biggest challenges (and opportunities) are just leaps into space. I don’t mean that everyone should leap at every opportunity or that anyone should jump off roofs. Not a good idea. What I mean is that some of life’s finest moments are about picking our poles and making leaps, DESPITE THE FACT that (and maybe also because) they are scary as hell.

I can close my eyes and relive that day: the morning is sunny and bright but not hot. I take a breath and tell myself I’m doing this. I start the climb, making it a routine before I freak out. I feel the swaying, get into a groove and keep going. I get to the top loving the sense of safety with danger so close. I decide I’m going to get my feet from the nails on the side of this pole onto the top of it, despite my body feeling TENSE, anxious, exhilarated, and insane. I somehow manage to cat-paw a hand, then a foot and then another foot to the top and stand up. At this point, I am two miles into the sky and see an astronaut from the ISS waving. I hear voices of encouragement from below, but at this point, they metaphorically are miles away, and I’m alone.

Logically, I know I’ve already decided, “IMMA DO THIS.”

Emotionally, I’m hesitating. I don’t know what it’ll feel like. I can’t picture the arc. (Don’t worry; I’m wearing a rope.) After waiting a bit longer than I intend for fear to disappear (Spoiler: fear never disappears), I leap.

I’d love to say I hung in the air waiting imagining the future before me, but it was all very fast. I managed to grab onto that bar and attach by force of will, swaying, screaming in jubilation, LITERALLY SCREAMING as loud as I ever have. It is the feeling of the divine, the bliss of luck and accomplishment and gratification. The good of the universe. The good of leaping and doing. It was a moment. I can still feel that shout echoing through me.

Right now, I’ve climbed another pole. The world seems miles away, but I do hear some encouragement from below. I’m older, more in touch with my fear and will but not more in control of them. I’m leaping, and I know I’ll be okay, but I’m holding my breath, reaching.