Of 2020, See What You Need to See

Horrible, Haarible

I once knew a pastor, an amazing and life-changing gentleman, who occasionally showed his Boston roots with a hint of an accent. I will always remember the way he described the brutality of the civil war in El Salvador in the 1980s as the governmental forces “disappeared” those who spoke out against them (these forces kidnapped, murdered, and disposed of the bodies of their rivals so their families could never truly have closure or mourn the deaths of their loved ones). This pastor said the war was “Horrible. Horrible.” (With a weighted pause afterward.) However, with his Boston accent, what he said actually sounded like this: “Haarible. Haarible.”

There are those who will look back at 2020 and will use those words.

What a Haarible Year

This has been a “harrible” year for almost everybody. Much harder for some than for others. Not just COVID and the divisiveness of Donald Trump, though they loom like a grim reaper over everything, this year has also seen the murder of George Floyd (and the fact that using the word murder is needlessly divisive), global Black Lives Matter protests, the polarization of everything including “facts” and news, and all the failures of businesses and ways of life. Oh, and people couldn’t travel to escape reality for a little bit. Oh and suicides and domestic violence and child removals are at record levels. Oh and hurricanes in the Atlantic are worse and more destructive than ever while much of the west coast of the US burns, due in part to record droughts. Oh and Murder Hornets are a thing. Oh and a smaller but serious emotional blow: Chadwick Boseman, the first cinematic Black Panther, died of cancer. A man who brought hope and joy, dead due to humanity’s most steady killer. And John Lewis died, too. A hero in every sense of the word. This year saw SO MANY negative events. Too many to catalogue. Just too many.

And in fact, for certain business owners, for certain wealthy elites, this has been a year of record profits, wealth, and peaceful retreats.

I will admit, I have avoided writing about this accursed year because, well, how do you eat an elephant? (This is a silly expression I use sometimes to hint at the stress of a task so large it seems impossible. Also, don’t eat elephants.) This year is just too complex.

We have a country, no a globe, that is hemorrhaging human beings to the Coronavirus plague, at times the death rate in the US more than half of a 9/11 (2977 deaths) every day or more. The US is struggling with George Floyd’s murder and all the implications of the race conversation we still are not really having, and hyper-partisanship like I have never seen in my lifetime. People scream at each other because of masks or signs or tweets. Leaders in President Trump’s party spew lies and vitriol to attack others and demonize their opponents, and leaders on the other side essentially do a lot of the same. Political propaganda is everywhere, especially on the right (ahem, Fox News, OAN, and others like Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh) but truly on both sides, that seeks simply to get more clicks, ignoring the cost. These people are fighting to the death, and they don’t seem to realize it. They don’t realize the costs of “winning” may burn down everything.

Is this our best, America? Is this what anyone wants?

I have felt moments of true despair, moments when I couldn’t watch the news at all, to see people justifying means to get their ends. I have felt moments when I sought oblivion in late night tubs of ice cream and Netflix monster movies.

Seeing the Rest, Seeing Good Too

And yet, I know something that I try to remember when it seems the darkest: We will get through this. And also:

There is nothing more powerful to shift thinking than changing a perspective. The human mind can always choose to focus on what is good.

I am alive. I am currently COVID free (even if not all members of my family are). I can breathe and I always have choices.

I am alive.

I can work. (And fortunately, I have work.)

I can think.

What can you see that would help you focus on the positive? What can you focus on that will help you find gratitude despite the darkness of this year?

Ryan Holiday in his book, The Obstacle is the Way about Stoicism, states, “Turn what you must do into what you get to do.” I have looked at that quote maybe a thousand times this year as I stayed home instead of visiting family or the store, as I shifted to online classes, as I cancelled trips. I had to do this stuff, but I GOT to learn so much from it. I am stronger than I have ever been with my work ethic and my ability to help and encourage students. I am improving at my own writing skills because I’m making more time to write and revise.

Not that I can do this all the time. Sometimes it is a real fight and I’m just sad. And yet, writing about this helps me remember to try harder.

How are you stronger because of this strange year? How are you better? How can you celebrate that?

(Quick Aside: Do you Have a Lot to Mourn? Do it with Help)

If you’ve experienced death or loss, first be sure you know that probably the healthiest action is to start a relationship with a counselor or therapist. Counselors know how to talk about loss and they know the healthy and unhealthy ways that people grieve. Even people without extra money can find free online therapy through services like 7 Cups or BetterHealth (see this LINK for more on free therapy).

By the way, when I talk to my students in classes, I’ve heard one response to this often: “_____ people [like me] don’t do therapy.” Yeah, well, people used to not think about “effective parenting” either, and I’m glad that is slowly changing.

Archeologists, neurologists, and many other people smarter than me know that human beings are social creatures, even you introverts. Big feelings are just hard to process if we are alone or not talking to others. All of us need help from time to time.

“Look with Better Eyes“

In one of the best movies ever made, James Cameron’s The Abyss, one character, played by the amazing Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is attempting to get people to believe something hard, something without proof that seems a bit crazy. She says, “Coffey looks and he sees Russians [that character’s biggest fear–The Abyss was set in the eighties]. You have to look with better eyes than that.”

This quote in itself is imperfect. Nothing quite captures the challenge facing humans, Americans, Texans, Republicans, or Democrats. But it’s close. What you remember, what goes into your internal math equations about managing your time, energy, and output, depends on what you choose to see. And you get to decide what you see, or at least to influence what your eyes focus on.

And, Yeah, Stoicism

Here’s another pair of quotes from a famed father of stoic philosophy, Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, that approach this 2020 dilemma in another way:

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

The first quote reminds us that there will always be difficulties. EVERYDAY. The second quote reminds us that so much of life is simply out of our control. WE CANNOT CHANGE the fact that some politicians are idiots or that so many good human beings are being duped into idiocy. What we CAN do is focus on our perception and what we have control over. That’s it. You can be powerful in the arenas in which you have control. You are in fact unstoppable, and breathing, and thinking. Who cannot celebrate those things?

It sometimes doesn’t feel like enough, and it requires frequent redirection (at first) but you can choose to see how wonderful your life is. You can choose to see the actions that will lead you to even better.

Do that. Choosing what you see will make all the difference.

Good luck, and may 2021 show us even more blessings amidst the chaos. (And hopefully less chaos. And again, don’t eat elephants.)